Are you worried about your teens recent behavior?
You are not alone! Parents of troubled teens across the country are realizing that they need help dealing with a son or daughter that is making poor decisions. And they are discovering that they are not alone. While it can be devistating to learn that your child has fallen into the wrong crowd or has begun to make decisions that will destroy their lives, it is not something to be embarrassed about or to try to hide from others. It is a time to take action!
Where do I get help for my troubled teen?
As you begin to research what avenues of help are available, you will discover that there are many options. There are literally thousands of organizations designed to help troubled teens. Boot camps, specialty boarding schools, therapists, military schools, group homes are all established to help troubled teens. And that list is just a scratch of the surface.
Making a decision.
The most important thing that you can do as the parent, is decide which type of program, facility, or organization is best suited to deal with the issues facing your teen. Make sure you do your homework. Learn about the techniques and phylosophies that these different organizations will use to help a troubled teen. Whenever possible, take the time to visit facilities and meet the staff a faculty of these organizations. Get advice from other parents who have been down the same path you are currently on.
Tips 3 :Responding to the Angry Child
Promote good behavior* Catch the child being good. Tell the child what behaviors please you. Respond to positive efforts and reinforce good behavior. An observing and sensitive parent will find countless opportunities during the day to make such comments as "I like the way you come in for dinner without being reminded"; "I appreciate your hanging up your clothes even though you were in a hurry to get out to play"; "You were really patient while I was on the phone"; "I'm glad you shared your snack with your sister"; "I like the way you're able to think of others"; and "Thank you for telling the truth about what really happened."
* Similarly, teachers can positively reinforce good behavior with statements like "I know it was difficult for you to wait your turn, and I'm pleased that you could do it"; "Thanks for sitting in your seat quietly"; "You were thoughtful in offering to help Johnny with his spelling"; "You worked hard on that project, and I admire your effort."
* Deliberately ignore inappropriate behavior that can be tolerated. This doesn't mean that you should ignore the child, just the behavior. The "ignoring" has to be planned and consistent. Even though this behavior may be tolerated, the child must recognize that it is inappropriate.
* Provide physical outlets and other alternatives. It is important for children to have opportunities for physical exercise and movement, both at home and at school.
* Teach children to express themselves verbally. Talking helps a child have control and thus reduces acting out behavior. Encourage the child to say, for example, "I don't like your taking my pencil. I don't feel like sharing just now."
* Encourage children to see their strengths as well as their weaknesses. Help them to see that they can reach their goals.
* Build a positive self-image. Encourage children to see themselves as valued and valuable people.
* Model appropriate behavior. Parents and teachers should be aware of the powerful influence of their actions on a child's or group's behavior.
Credits:
Some of the following suggestions for dealing with the angry child were taken from The Aggressive Child by Fritz Redl and David Wineman.
Tips 2 : 7 Parenting Tactics that Can Damage Your Child’s Self-Esteem
Many parenting techniques can not only damage the parent-child relationship but lower children’s self-esteem too. Fact: children need to grow up with a healthy amount of self-esteem - they’ll then be more able to take the knocks of life and to bounce back. And: they’ll be better at making their own judgements about what is right and wrong - which is particularly important during their teenage years when peer pressure is strong, and they’ll be encouraged to try alcohol, cigarettes and drugs.Avoid:
1. Bribes.
Example: ‘If you feed the dog, you can have your pocket money.’ Note: rewarding children is okay, but avoid bribes - children need to learn at an early age that they just have to do some things such as cleaning their room because they’re responsible family members, not because they’re paid to do it. Wise: encourage them to take responsibility for appropriate tasks as early as possible so that it becomes a habit; it’s easier than introducing the idea later on. Even a toddler can be encouraged to tidy away crayons.
2. Threats.
Example: ‘If you don’t tidy your room, you’ll not be playing out today.’ Tip: threats are no better than bribes. Why: we often let our children get away with things, so they soon learn that the first threat is meaningless because we don’t follow through on it. They then assume that other threats will be equally irrelevant. Bottom line: if you issue a threat, make it clear that it’s a one and only, final warning - and carry it out if necessary. It’s then far less likely that you’ll have to issue threats in the future.
3. Nagging.
Example: ‘Haven’t you finished your homework yet?’ Problem: the nagging parent starts to assume responsibility for the child, who never learns to be responsible for their own actions - which is fundamental if their self-esteem is to grow. The child doesn’t need to accept responsibility because Mum or Dad is always there to do it for them! Better: do nothing, and there will be a natural consequence of your child’s failure to act. Typical: they will be scolded by their teacher for not doing the work - and a child who is embarrassed at being reprimanded is far more likely to take responsibility for themselves in future.
4. Criticising.
Example: ‘You’ve not done that properly have you?’ Truth: even if the parent is trying with the best intentions to help the child to learn by pointing out their mistakes, this criticism is often resented by the child. Important: children need positive rather than negative recognition to enhance their self-esteem. Wiser: a parent should constantly try to catch their child doing something right - and praise that.
5. Smacking.
Most experts agree that smacking as a means of disciplining a child should be avoided. Why: in the short-term it may be effective, but long-term it just builds resentment. Details: a child who is smacked and feels it was too mild may reason that they got what they wanted so it’s worth the trade-off. But if they think you’ve smacked them too hard, they’ll feel you haven’t been fair and this will lead to rebellion.
6. Passing the buck.
Example: ‘You just wait until your father gets home, and hears about this!’ But: even a two-hour wait is an eternity for a child and by that time there’s no link between the already - forgotten incident and the punishment. Outcome: this simply bewilders the child. Better: any punishment should be carried out on the spot.
7. Giving insincere praise.
Example: ‘Isn’t that wonderful. You are a clever boy’. Essential: don’t ever give false praise to a child - this is detected easily even by small children, and eventually they’ll lose trust in you. Best: find something that you can praise genuinely. Example: Your marks have gone up in the weekly spelling test, and you’ve worked very hard. I’m really pleased with that.’ This is money in the bank; you’ve acknowledged that your child has achieved something and given recognition for it, and you’ve boosted their self-esteem.
Tips 1 :Understanding Your Child's Behaviour!
In order to understand why your child is misbehaving it is extremely useful to keep a diary:
- Identify one behaviour that you would like to change. Be as specific as you can e.g. wont do as s/he is told, hitting, demands things, whines. Write the behaviour down.
- When the behaviour occurs, write down what led immediately up to it (triggers) and what happened afterwards (consequences)? Also record how you behave and feel? Please use (print) the form if this is helpful.
- After a week try to see if there is a pattern to the behaviour. When is it occurring (times, situations)? Who is it occurring with? What are the triggers? What are the consequences or "pay-offs" for your child? Often this is related to getting attention, "winding-up", getting their own way ("giving in for a quiet life").
- Ask yourself what is my child learning from the way I respond to the behaviour? Am I setting limits and boundaries consistently ?
- Once you have a clear picture you are ready to change the pattern by changing the triggers and consequences. You may have to try and ignore certain behaviour, try not to give in, remove certain privileges, look and sound as if you mean it when asking you child to do something. Most importantly concentrate on encouraging and rewarding good behaviour!
Part 1 : My Child...
Teachers, parents, and caregivers all struggle with some behaviors and actions of the children in our care. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a magic formula a specific bit of advice or strategy to work in all situations? Of course there is no magic formula, but it helps to remember that children’s behaviors do not occur in a vacuum. Instead, they are driven by five basic issues or possibilities that help explain a child’s actions. Understanding these issues and being a reflective rather than reactive parent or caregiver will result in more positive outcomes for both the caregiver and the child, creating in the process an atmosphere that supports and nurtures the child.1. Is this a developmental stage?
Many problems that occur in infancy and early childhood appear at the onset of a new developmental stage. Each new phase of development brings challenges for the child and the child’s caregivers. For example, body independence in the child’s second year and an emerging
sense of an independent self elicit a period of negativism. Feeding and sleeping problems also may occur during developmental transitions, and it helps if caregivers are extra patient and loving in their responses.It’s best to give a child choices, use humor, and be firm but supportive. Parents will find this period good practice for the teenage years when many of the same issues of independence emerge again on
2. Is this an individual or temperament difference?
Not all children of a certain age act the same way. These individual differences may be rooted in a variety of causes. Biological factors such as visual impairments, tactile sensitivities, auditory and speech disorders, or motor disabilities may affect a child’s behavior. Temperament qualities such as shyness, adaptability, moodiness, or inflexibility also may account for many of the differences in children’s (and adults’) behaviors. Adults who learn more about their own temperament traits are better able to recognize those situations that result from conflict of two different attitudes toward or approaches to the same behavioral problem.
3. Is the environment causing the behavior?
Sometimes the setting provokes a behavior that may seem inappropriate. An overcrowded child care setting or the lack of an appropriate number or types of toys can increase aggression or spark jealousy. Look around your home or program setting and evaluate it in light of your child’s behaviors. We need to get down on our knees and see the environment from a child’s viewpoint.
4. A child does not know something but is ready to learn
Clues to this situation include sensing that the child is in new or unfamiliar territory or is facing a new task or problem. Perhaps this is the first time a two-year old without siblings has been asked to share a toy or treasured object. Developmentally he does not truly understand
the concept of sharing, so it is up to us as parent and teacher to calmly explain to the child how the other children will react. Patience and repeating the message over and over again are necessary. Children rarely learn or master a desired response on the first try.
5. Unmet emotional needs
Emotional needs that are unmet are the most difficult cause of behavior to interpret. In thes situations, the child’s behavior has a particularly driven quality about it and occurs with regular frequency in all settings. The child who continually harms himself or other children should be stopped and may need an assessment by a trained professional. Careful observation, thoughtful reflection, and communication between parents and teachers who respond with quiet firmness and patience can be critical to the future emotional health of children with emotional needs.
If a child needs, for example, extra love and attention, we don’t want to withhold that from her but rather find ways for validating and acknowledging the child during the school day, encouraging participation in circle activities, and acknowledging empathetic behavior toward others.
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